HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE WITH A COMMITMENT-PHOBE
I have run a professional matchmaking agency in NZ called Two’s Company for nineteen years and been privileged to see many first dates turn into successful relationships. Happily, engagements and weddings have followed.
It all sounds so easy doesn’t it? However we all know the saying “true love never does run smooth”. In reality going from “nice to meet you” to “I do” can be one of life’s most difficult achievements.
When you start out with two people who genuinely both want a committed relationship, it is still not without it’s challenges. However what do you do if you are with a commitment phobe? For that matter, how do you know if your loved one is commitment phobic?
It’s perfectly normal to have a little bit of doubt when making a major life transition. People today are acutely aware of the consequences if the relationship fails to work out. The emotional suffering generated by a break up is devastating; teamed with the financial losses of divorce proceedings. Often people will delay anything that will drastically change their lives….and those that have been married and divorced can be scared of going through it all again. Naturally people want to be sure they are making the best possible choice before taking the plunge.
By and large this is normal . . . and good. We all benefit from knowing that the person we are with really thought things through and decided YES!! They absolutely wanted to be with us!!
On the flipside though is the “commitment phobe”. They are overloaded with FEAR regarding commitment. They are afraid of making poor decisions, of lost options. They have negative beliefs about commitment and relationships, which could be caused or triggered by any number of things. They may have felt out of control, hurt or trapped in the past and now their mind is over protecting them from feeling that way again.
The word FOREVER terrifies them. They are not afraid of love, but what it represents. The commitment phobe can love however they will also feel an intense need to be free.
It is important to know that this phobia has nothing to do with you!
Here are some common signs to look for:
* They will come on very strong, holding back nothing to win your heart. Quickly making you feel very special.
* May come off as vulnerable. You may almost feel sorry for them.
*Will hint they are looking for a serious relationship.
* Will call often, constantly be trying to see you, help you, etc
* When they have won your heart they will start to withdraw. They love the chase but don’t want the kill.
* They will treat you more like a friends with benefits rather than a bonafide partner.
* Will keep you separate from the rest of their lives. Won’t introduce you to their friends and family. Will not want to spend time with your friends or family.
* Be reluctant to plan dates in advance.
* Be uncomfortable discussing your relationship.
* May not have had a successful long relationship before.
The hardest part for the person on the receiving end is the seduction/ rejection factor. The commitment phobe is afraid to give totally to the relationship but can’t commit to walk away either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the person when they don’t see them, but want to run away when they get involved again! It is on, off. Hot, cold. Chase, pursue, then ignore or vanish in a cycle that is very painful for the other party.
So what can you do if you are stuck going round in circles with someone like this?
First; realise that your love and attention won’t change them! However NOT needing them and giving them space MIGHT.
You must pull back and stay independent.
Allow yourself time to think . . . do you really have the patience and time to give to this FEAR?
My advice is to go on and live your life. Have fun! Keep positive, create new experiences, learn new things, grow and meet new people!!
The great thing about all my clients at Two’s Company, both my singles in Auckland and Wellington, is that each and every one of them want to meet someone special and have a committed relationship. They are happy to meet new single people and date, with the understanding of getting to know each other better. It is not like online dating sites where you are just meeting single people every week, some ok, some not! Intentions are already established. You are both there for the same reason. It’s just a matter of getting the perfect combination!
If you are looking to find a partner in Auckland or Wellington, if you are serious about dating and meeting someone special, then drop us a line, we have been matchmaking and introducing singles for years!