First rules for the first date

First dates can be as harrowing as they can be exciting.

What do I wear? Should I be a little late? Do we meet for a coffee or commit to a dinner? Who pays?  Sometimes just staying at home seems an easier option.

Yes, going on a first date takes effort but take note ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got”.  So like it or not, if you want to meet new people, first dates are necessary. 

It's often a good idea to plan your date around an activity that allows you to talk back and forth. Many activities make great first dates, and if you do choose something interesting enough, it'll spark conversation to fill those first, slightly awkward hours. 

Setting the right environment for a first date is crucial.  Do you really want to meet for a quick coffee in the middle of your working day? I advise against this.   You’re rushed, and often pre-occupied with work. It’s important to remember it’s a date, not an interview, and in my opinion, it’s hard to flirt over a cup of coffee! 

In the case of internet dating, a quick coffee is a good idea to ‘check them out’, but if you’re meeting through an agency, any reputable agent would have already interviewed and qualified their clients

I advise clients to choose an after-work drink or dinner. This allows you time to slow down and enjoy yourself. If you are prone to nerves try Rescue Remedy or my personal favourite - arrive first.  It’s easier to be already sitting there when your date arrives. This gives you the chance to slow down, steady your nerves and bolster your courage with a few sips of wine!  

Choose a busy, interesting venue for a first date. Steer clear of the cosy little hideaway as you want to avoid creating a setting which is too intimate for a first date. Have plenty going on so there’s plenty to talk about and comment on. Tapas bars are a good choice, informal but with constant activity 

Alternatively try an activity based date. I had a couple who chose Kelly Tarlton’s for their first date. They spent the first hour walking around looking at the fish, which gave them time to get comfortable with each other. By the time they got to the restaurant, they were totally relaxed in each other’s company and the conversation flowed easily.

Or how about a stroll around the shops? Antique shops can be fascinating and you'll probably find things that bring back memories for you both and a stroll down memory lane can be a great conversation starter.  Try bazaars and flea markets or check out food, wine or art festivals or street fairs for something a little different. The entertainment will also take the pressure of feeling the need to entertain.

I was interviewed many years ago by Marco van Gelderen for his study on “Opportunities in the Dating Market” for Massey University. Apparently, the chances to fall in love are higher when in a state of excitement. So how do you to induce excitement? Tango, salsa, or folk dancing, wine tasting, rock-climbing, bungy jumping, the luge or sailing?  The study also found that people like people with whom they can work cooperatively on a task. So look at what you have in common - art, Thai food, cooking, or running.  Or try something new to both of you. Think exciting!!

Last but not least, have the right attitude. People often put themselves under too much pressure to make a decision after just one date. Are they the right one or not? Keep in mind, it’s not an interview. Get to know the person and enjoy yourself – remember it’s just a date!!